Is your partner experiencing addictive behaviors? Do they continue despite your objections? Do you feel lost or unsure if your marriage can last?
It’s common for people to seek therapy or coaching because they think they have a problem in their relationship due to no longer being in love.
In this article, we are going to discuss the lie of “I’m not in love anymore” and what it means in your marriage.
At the surface, the problem is that they’re smoking, having affairs, or some other addictive behavior.
Despite the other partner pleading for them to stop or seek help, they continue with these destructive behaviors. Every request is followed with an excuse, which is really just a lie to themselves and to their partner.
The Lie: I’m Not In Love Anymore.”
They’re not in love anymore. “I love him, but I’m not in love.”
The lie is what people tell themselves to continue the behavior that is uncontrollable or unhealthy. They may want to stop, but they can’t. Instead, they use this lie to justify their behavior, such as “I don’t want to put any effort into him/her because we’re not in love anymore.”
What the Lie Really Means
The lie is an excuse for not wanting to face the pain of working. Work is difficult. It’s called work for a reason. Work is not fun. It’s a little painful, and people don’t want to face what work means.
A lot of people have this fantasy that work means you’re not in love. Such as, if they have to work on it, then they’re not in love. It’s ironic, because it’s really the opposite.
People think that if you leave the honeymoon stage of blissful happiness and passion, then it means you weren’t well suited. While in fact the test of how strong your relationship comes after the honeymoon stage. It is shown through how you deal with problems that arise, how you make time for each other even when you are busy, and the way you help each other grow.
I find this striking because often, people who say this tend to work very hard in their other relationships. They work hard on their friendships, their parenting, and their dating life.
Laying the groundwork for intimacy and love to grow takes a lot of work.
A marriage is not going to develop unless you put in some work.
Stereotypically, these are the people we hear about, when the kids are all grown and gone, the couple looks at each other and says, “Who are you? I don’t know if I like you anymore.”
This is because they let all of the busyness of life get in the way and they were too (insert negative emotion here, lazy, afraid, etc.) to do the work.
It’s common for people to say, “It doesn’t count if I have to arrange a date on the calendar with my own husband, it’s not very romantic.”
The question is, how else are you going to get a date with your husband or wife? Arranging the date sets the stage, that way when you are on the date, everything is done. The time is protected, and the setting is set. This is what fosters intimacy.
Plan a date that allows you to get away from your kids or any chores you have to do. This way, you can take time to reconnect and rediscover what made you originally fall in love in the first place.
This can also be a time where you get the opportunity to talk through any of the problems that are coming up in your relationship and how it makes you feel. Then, you can discuss the expectations you have in the relationship and how you can work together.
Work does have to be done to maintain a healthy, intimate, loving relationship.
If you are using the excuse as a way to explain your addictive or out-of-control behavior, think again.
For more resources on uncontrollable behaviors, or no intimacy in your relationship, click here.
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