The lie of “I’m not in love anymore,” and what it means in your marriage.
It’s common for people to seek therapy or coaching because they think they have a problem in their relationship due to no longer being in love.
They’re smoking, having affairs, or some other addictive behavior.
They’re not in love anymore. “I love him, but I’m not in love.”
The lie is what people tell themselves to continue the behavior that is uncontrollable or unhealthy. They may want to stop but they can’t. Instead, they use the lie to justify their behavior, such as “I don’t want to put any effort into him/her because we’re not in love anymore.”
What the lie really means:
The lie is an excuse for not wanting to face the pain of working. Work is difficult, it’s called work for a reason. Work is not fun and it’s a little painful and people don’t want to face what work means.
A lot of people have this fantasy that work means you’re not in love. Such as, if they have to work on it, then they’re not in love. It’s ironic because it’s really the opposite.
I find this striking because often, people who say this tend to work very hard in their other relationships. They work in their friendships, their parenting, and when they were dating they worked really hard.
Laying the groundwork for intimacy and love to grow takes a lot of work.
A marriage is not going to develop unless you put in some work.
Stereotypically, these are the people we hear about, when the kids are all grown and gone, the couple looks at each other and says, “Who are you? I don’t know if I like you anymore.” This is because they let all of the busyness of life get in the way and they were too (insert negative emotion here, lazy, afraid, etc.) to do the work.
It’s common for people to say, “It doesn’t count if I have to arrange a date on the calendar with my own husband, it’s not very romantic.”
The question is, how else are you going to get a date with your husband or wife? Arranging the date sets the stage, that way when you are on the date everything is done. The time is protected, and the setting is set. This is what fosters intimacy.
Work does have to be done to maintain a healthy, intimate, loving relationship.
If you are using the excuse as a way to explain your addictive or out of control behavior, think again.