What parenting style works best for a disrespectful child?
Dealing with an out of control child who is disrespectful or grown children disrespecting parents can be overwhelming. One common question parents may find themselves asking is, “How do I deal with this type of behavior?”
The top concern I hear from parents is that their child is disrespectful, and they don’t know what to do.
How Do You Handle a Disrespectful Child?
Two ways a parent may deal with a disrespectful child is through the authoritarian parenting style and permissive parenting style.
The authoritarian parent has a tendency to want to take control.
They demand certain actions and punish if the child doesn’t do those actions, and it’s a vicious circle.
The problem: The child is going to think you do not have any respect for their viewpoint. This will cause problems down the line because your child is going to resent you for taking over.
The permissive parent has a tendency to make excuses and let it go.
They fear upsetting or hurting their child, and allow themselves to be walked all over. This does not garner respect.
The problem: The child is going to be upset that their parent is not taking a parental role. This will cause the child to resent the parent for being a doormat.
How to Take Control of The Situation
Neither one of these parenting styles will work because the key is to take control of the situation and your own behavior.
When a child disrespects you, it hurts. But once you feel the mood problem with youreself, that’s a sign that something is wrong. Your perception, that’s what you need to pay attention to and take care of, not the child.
How to do this:
Step in with the kid, and say,
“Hey, I got to let you know when you treat me like this it hurts very much. What is going on?” Or,
“I’ve told you this hurts me very much and you’re still doing this, this is going to come between us if this keeps up. I want to know what the heck is going on?”
“What is going on, that you keep doing this?”
By doing this, you’re expressing that their behavior is unacceptable to you but you’re interested in what the kid has to say and what they think. This is a great mashup, and that’s what we’re looking for as parents. Who knows, the kid may have some insight into what’s going on.
If they do or don’t have insight, let them know it’s something to think about and ask them what they propose you both do. By giving them the first opportunity to fix the problem, even if they’re 10, shows them you are interested, and that is the key piece. They just want to know that you’re interested and that you care what their thoughts are.
One day they’re going to surprise you and say something like, “Hey, I know that I do that, and I hate it that I do that and I can’t seem to help it. I think it happens when I have a bad day at school and I take it out on you.”
Create a Plan That Works
If the child says this, then you’re done, pat yourself on the back because your kid is ready to go.
When you express yourself, it makes your kid aware of how you feel, so you ask them, “What are we going to do about it?”
If they come up with a plan, great. If they don’t, give them three choices of what you think is reasonable, and let them choose one. Again, this shows you are not taking over, and allowing them to be involved.
The three choices:
- Talk to your friends on the phone first and vent it out with them.
- Go to the gym before coming home
- No talking until dinner when everyone is calmer
Come up with solutions that work for you and your child, and then circle back in a couple of weeks. If the child is putting in the effort or not, touchback and acknowledge how the solution is working.
Always Circle Back
Check-in with your child by saying:
- ” Hey, this still isn’t working, let’s come back to the table and rethink this.”
- ” I think this is working, I don’t feel you’re disrespecting me as much. and I appreciate that very much.”
The key piece is working together. Your child will take this template outside of the family and put it to use in other areas of his life such as down the line with his significant other. This is what you want to see!