Is your sex life boring or flat? It’s important to find the cause.
What is the hidden drain on your sex life?
A lot of people come to me complaining that their sex life is boring or non-existent, and they are surprised by what’s causing it.
Four reasons your sex life is coring or has a lack of physical intimacy:
Shyness
It’s common for people to be shy during sex because they feel their bodies aren’t perfect. This prevents them from undressing in front of their significant other, leaving the light on during sex, or wanting to get it over quickly.
This is hurting your relationship! This behavior tells your partner you’re never going to share yourself with him or her until you are perfect. But your partner knows no one is perfect, so it’s going to be never. This is a bad message to send. Sending this message is a major turn off, and it’s an obstacle that leaves your partner out in the cold.
Try this! Reconsider being shy in front of your partner, and share as much of yourself as you can. This is what intimacy is.
If you have a problem with letting your shyness go and sharing more of you with your partner, that is a good time to visit a therapist for help.
Boundaries
A lot of people get hung up on spontaneous sex. There is nothing wrong with spontaneous sex but if you don’t have boundaries that can be very unnerving or anxiety-provoking for a lot of people, including your partner.
Especially, if there are children in the house. Not having a boundary causes people to be anxious about where the kids are, what they’re doing, are they hearing you, or are they going to come in?
Try this! Create a set time for intimacy. This may not sound spontaneous but if it’s a set time that is protected, spontaneity can happen during that protected time.
For example, have a babysitter take the kids out to the movie theatre for a couple of hours every Saturday night, you’ll have that time as a protected time to be more open, spontaneous, and free. Plus, you’ll have that time to look forward to during the week.
Boldness
Boldness is like shyness but on the other end of the spectrum, this is also an intimacy drainer. There is nothing wrong with trying something new if you’re a consenting adult, but if you are plowing ahead by yourself, you’re leaving your partner out. This is invasive and can be scary for some people.
Try this! Change your approach. Remember, it may not be your idea, it might be your approach. Trying something new and being bold in your sex life is a discussion to have with your partner.
Serious Sex or Mechanical Sex
Don’t take sex too seriously! There are people who get a little too serious about whether they have had sex recently or not. They become a Debbie Downer and start to point out how long it’s been since they’ve had sex. They start thinking their partner doesn’t love them anymore or, that the relationship is a disaster.
It’s important to see these patterns and it’s important to recognize there might be a problem. But if you can’t end the “my relationship is over” disposition then that is going to be a real turn off to your partner. Not only are they going to feel like they have to solve your sex life problem, but they are also going to feel like they have to solve your whole relationship problem now. Or now they have to convince you that it’s not the issue.
Remember! There are a lot of reasons why people back away from sex or have less sex. It is not always because they are not attracted to you or that there is something extremely wrong with the relationship.
Mechanical Sex
People get into a mechanical way of doing sex. That is a huge turn off for your partner. People think it doesn’t matter because their partner just wants sex, but it does matter.
Being involved is being open, and being mechanical is being closed off.
Try this! If you find yourself being mechanical and going through the motions, try to add some play or fun to it, make time for fun sexy time. Making this change will make a huge difference in how you come across to your partner.
These four hidden blocks can be what’s causing your boring sex life or lack of sex in your relationship. Overcoming these blocks will help improve your sex life.
If you haven’t thought about these blocks before, use this article as a guide to find the hidden block in your relationship and give it a try!
Are you struggling with physical intimacy? It’s always okay to consider therapy or coaching. We are always here to help if you have any questions or would like to seek help, call, or text to find out how we can help you, 804-420-8003.
For more resources on marriages or relationships without sex, click here.
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