It’s common for people to try new things, thinking they found a solution for the lack of intimacy in their marriage when in reality, the so-called solution is actually damaging or hurting the intimacy. The so-called solutions end up being intimacy traps.
People often come up with “solutions,” but they can’t understand why they aren’t working, it’s because they are having trouble seeing that the solution is actually a problem.
Too Much Focus on Sex
If you’re putting a lot of emphasis on physical intimacy and focusing on what you can do differently or different positions and it’s not working, it may be because that’s not the problem.
If you’re two consenting adults, there is nothing wrong with talking about the different ways you can have sex but don’t forget there’s a before sex and an after-sex too. A lot of people who are in long term relationships forget this or minimize it.
The steps leading up to sex, call it foreplay or setting the scene, is very important to a lot of people. It may be in the unconscious.
If you have tried everything with the physical part of your sex life and it’s not working, try something different with the steps leading up to physical intimacy. You may need a longer lead-in time, do something together that leads to flirting, setting the scene, and then sex.
Don’t forget the after-sex part! A lot of people are sensitive to having sex and then the other person getting up and leaving. It may not bother some people but it does bother others, be aware whether it’s you or your partner. Try to change your approach to after-sex, such as a slow breaking away or take a shower/bath together. Create a ritual together that you always do afterward, that way it’s a slow separation.
Being a Doormat
The other end of the spectrum is also just as harmful, being a doormat. If you have a lot of patience and think you’re being super accommodating or say yes to everything and you think this is attractive, it’s not.
A. You can’t keep this up without resentment building up, and
B. You don’t look interested.
Taking Matters into Your Own Hands
When people take matters into their own hands because their sex life is failing, they end up becoming condescending or bossy. That does not go over well with your partner, even if your partner isn’t saying anything. Being condescending or bossy is actually pushing your partner further away, it’s not helpful for a partnership which is what sex is.
Taking matters into your own hands can be misconstrued as teaching, educating, or helping the other person with their health such as statements like, “You aren’t as interested in sex, so you need to go to the doctor,” or “I think YOU have a problem, here’s some information from the internet.”
The approach that it is your partner’s problem is not going to work for you. Instead, your partner is going to be resentful that you’re making the problem theirs.
Do this instead: Talk more about yourself. Such as, ” I have this problem, that our sex life isn’t what it used to be. Let’s work together on this.”
Consider these before and after scenes with your sex life that can help spice up things for you.
For more resources on marriages or relationships without sex, click here.
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